Contradictions

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So we all agree that some of us are only made of contradictions.

And love and some tea.

Throw in a chocolate cake will ya please.

One of those contradictions I am contemplating on these days is my need to be alone versus my need for people.

I’ve been a lot more alone than usual this past year. We moved to a new country for a while and in my quest to be with ‘my person’, I also found time. A large amount of it.

Circumstances would have it that I was alone a lot , and that was fine for a while.

 

I also found out that my moods vary between needing people and being drained by them whenever I was with them.

While I’ve always been more towards being by myself, now I found that I didn’t want to be by myself too much, nor did I want to be around other people for more than a few hours.

I am of the breed of people who must pour every inch of themselves into their relationships so a few hours with people I like would mean , I am depleted of any energy for myself.

Owing to age and a hard earned capacity for self-preservation, I now pace my time between social interactions, I say no, I don’t go places I do not fancy.

I am also now good at timing, when making plans, I know when I need to be home , in my PJs, with tea and a book, in bed before I have to carry around a headache, feeling completely dull and gloomy.

It’s nice however to be married to someone who recognizes this about me and is usually sympathetic about making plans. Darling is of the breed of people who has zero need for recharging , who can go from one social gathering to another, spend days walking and seeing places without tiring himself out and can also fall asleep in a heartbeat.

But he would nudge me out of the house if I’ve been cooped up inside too long, but he would never drag me around if I was miserable.

I am also a bit spoilt that way.

But contradictions.

Do you suffer from any ?

 

 

A ‘people’ post , yet again

People Watching

Lost Time by Steven Paul .

I am a bit of a people watcher.

Aren’t we a fascinating bunch ? Walking down the road with our jeans falling off our butts, in our layers of make up and high heels , with our smokes and sandwiches, we spit and scratch and swear. We are amazing.

Anyhoo.

I like watching them. I am not like, creepy or anything you know.:/

It’s always ‘over here’ in contrast to ‘back home’ for me. I am endlessly captivated with the way people smile, the way they move and hold themselves, the way they say hello. Everything feels new.

Or, that would be my mind playing tricks on me.

People are fascinating. I like them. ( On the surface I mean, I would prefer not to get to know them, because that would mean complications.😛 ) So I watch.

We rarely nod to strangers back home and say hello. I mean, I did, I used to talk to strangers whenever the occasion called for it, I do have a vibe that attracts the strangest sort of people to me , that makes them want to talk to me too. But if I mistakenly catch someone’s eye on the street here, people are bound to nod and at least throw a “how are you” or a “you alright” my way.

People are constantly telling me if it’s a beautiful day or a miserable one. They bless me , tell me I am pretty ( I’ll take my compliments where I can get them, I am not fussy, thank you very much. )

On a bright beautiful day last week, a man at the bus stop nodded at me and smiled before he asked if I didn’t think it was a glorious day. I said I sure did.

A boy stopped to shake my hand once and ask for my number and receiving the negative, narrowed his eyes, cocked his head to a side and clutched his heart to say “you are married !!” He walked away in peace.

A lady at the supermarket showed me how to pick the freshest Kale. ( She puts it in the smoothies for her son, makes a spinach and kale sauce with parmesan for pasta )

A girl I encountered yet again at the bus stop was breaking up with someone. “Oh my fuckin’ god , you breaking up with me!?!? ” She half laughed. “At least , have the guts to do it to my fuckin’ face baby.”  She said the word “baby” in the sing song way couples do, only making it seem also like a threat. Should have known you 10 years ago girl friend! I could have used that attitude.

At the MMA academy, I watched the tiniest girl, in her blue karate clothes, climb on to her father’s lap before her classes were to start. She tucked in her feet and her hands and her tiny little head under his chin. He talked to her in low soothing tones, patting her back, chuckling , both of them smiling, I don’t even know what they were saying to each other and from where I was seated, they were all I could see, so I took my constricted heart and my suddenly constricted throat, the sting behind my eyelids and hid behind a laptop and did not dare look up.

*cough* Excuse me.

 

From the graveyards

Sometimes, all I want to do is to put people in little boxes. ( I know, it sounds ridiculous. You can’t go around putting people in boxes , Sachi ! ) But I’ve lived all these years, and it  has taken me all this time to figure out that people aren’t all bad.

Or all good.

Aren’t we made entirely of contradictions? ( Just me? Ok. ) The most confusing of all is how while being utterly good and kind we also have an abundant supply of meanness to reach into whenever we need it.

I’ve seen it people ! I’ve seen it in ME. And I have hated myself because all I’ve ever wanted is to be good and kind and nice.

Behavior truly does breed behavior and the times I wanted to reach into my meanness and pull out some snarkiness was only when I’d been jabbed and provoked and hurt and made to feel small and jealous. So I know what you are thinking. That sounds childish. And it is ! I’ve dealt with my share of sarcasm and hurtful comments in my life, sometimes from the very people I love,  and since of late, I’ve begun to see that just like when I wanted to hurt someone for being hurtful, this bitterness that made these people want to hurt me came from a place where they felt small . Or jealous. Or wanted to feel something that was important to them. Who knows. Can you SEE the vicious cycles that’s starting to get unhealthy?

And boy, do words cut deep!

The biggest struggle in all of this has been about forgiveness. For the longest time, it felt like I couldn’t forgive myself for having all these thoughts. When someone gave me a dig, I took it, and I poisoned it with my own thoughts, and I lay awake at night wondering why, why they said what they said and why they acted how they did. And I still have the hardest time with people who has a knack for back handed compliments, you know where at first you are like oh that’s nice and then bam ! Right in your guts. I felt ugly. How can you live with yourself , I asked myself.

I also continue to have a hard time with snotty uptight people. There are times when you absolutely can not get away and you have to put up with them and they make you feel..basically like crap.

In all of this, my real problems lie with me. While I am not comfortable with The Snots, The Uptights, The Difficults and The Snarks, I am more uncomfortable with myself when I want to react to the way they’ve made me feel. It’s taken me a while to learn my lessons that people are just being people so sift the good from the bad, don’t hang out with them if they make you feel like crap, and for crying out loud, stand up for your self.

but at least now I am here where I know for a fact, if I don’t forgive myself for my thoughts , I am never going to be able to forgive them. Not that they need your forgiveness. But it helps to feel that you are able to, if it came to it.

So here we are.

I’d like to tell you that I’m a better person now, and I know how to deal with difficult people and situations. But I don’t. Experience has proven to be such a difficult thing to master and some days I feel better. Better at composure, nonchalance, wisdom and that much needed frankly-my-dear-ness. There are other days when I want to punch a wall.

Any progress is good progress in my books and progress for me now is the ability to throw my hands in the air, say “Arggghhh” and go make tea .

That’s my rant for the day. Enjoy the show.

 

The Dark Gloomy Days

Dark Days

Dark gloomy days aren’t without its charm.

The trees howl in loneliness.

I close the windows, wrap a blanket around me. Make tea.

And I sit by the window anyhow. Can’t seem to tear myself away from all this..stillness.

I sympathize with the polythene bag, being thrown about aimlessly by the wind.

The sun didn’t come out today.

Not even once.

Dark gloomy days aren’t without its charm.

It’s not like I didn’t love you, you know.

The lifeless trees stand black against the grey clouds outside.

I see cars far away in the street.

People going about their lives. Children in the hall.

I light some candles.

Me, my tea, my book. My feet tucked under my blanket.

We sit in silence.

Dark gloomy days aren’t without its charm.

It’s not like I didn’t love you, you know.

Epilogues

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Coming back to a familiar place you might hazard to call home, dumping all your belongings on the floor, drinking a tall glass of tap water , taking a long hot shower in your dingy little bathroom standing in your tub in which you can never lie down, all the while looking at imagery from the roads at the back of your eyelids, washing the ragged mountains and deserts , thousands of miles of beautiful nothingness off your skin , save for a sense of completion, a well written summary if you will, now that, that has been my true luxury, my one true lesson, that here in my bed surrounded by the rattling pipes that keeps us warm , I am happy, that trvelling does soothe the tormented soul, answers the questions you’ve struggled with for half an eternity (or not, depending how you see it) gives you the peace you’ve always longed for.

Here. The end of an epicness that was this trip, I lie on my side of the bed , listen to Darling breathe , and bask in being content. Somehow , somewhere among the mountains and the winding roads and the gaping sky my overly critical inner voice hushed it self. I was so small, the sky was so vast, the earth steamed and bubbled and gushed. The wind threathetened to take me over the canyons. There were people in the crevices at Devil’s Tower. A brave man carved a mountain alone. I stood under all of it, completely mesmerized , feeling completely insignificant yet strangely, serene.

It seemed to me that the need to be seen, to be loved , to be heard and appreciated , dissolved away before such magnificence, that nature didn’t care for my ego nor did it reject the notion of such, that it stood by, beautiful in its indifference as it moved oceans and formed mountains and basically stayed awesome, kind of like my perfect version of a friend.

What a trip .

What a time.

What a way to find a lost self.

Young love

How many times have you met someone and didn’t know it because you were busy being the completely self assured version of yourself , a diva, a girl who always said “no” on principle , all at the same time ?

I saw an eight year old boy totally swept off his feet by a 2 year old little girl today and these were my humbling thoughts.

I flashbacked to all the boys of my younger days, the boy next door types, the poets, the nerds , the ones who wanted to carry my backpack for me who I wouldn’t give the time of day to , because..well, because I was an idiot.

Oh to be young and foolish .

All he wanted to do was to hold her hand and show her some clown fish. He would sweep the hair that covered her eyes off her forehead. He would stand aside and watch her play with his younger , more age appropriate brother with the sadness of someone who knew in his heart of hearts that everything was hopeless.

She is the type of girl who knows who she is. She knows what she likes and who she trusts. Do you want to see the gold fish ? Erm, no. Do you want to see a book about fish ? “Uh, no” she would repeat like someone who knows she is adored but is intimidated by the thought . she walks past him with her head held high.

I get you girlfriend. Oh yes I do. I know where you come from and I can totally relate. But being so old and softened and filled with nostalgia for my own younger days , my heart melts for the little boy.

I hope he is learning to handle heart break. One can never be young enough.

“Women and cats will as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to idea” ? I guess ?

The Park People

The Park

I live near a park. What luck, what bliss ! I thank Darling for his good senses , picking this apartment. The apartment itself is nothing to write home about, I mean it will get us through this time we have to live here but the park. Magic.

I take a walk across the park daily to get to a place where I volunteer. I love the shade of the trees,  I even obsessively collect fallen leaves. The wind through my hair. The sun on my face. It’s nice, you know?  But the people, the people I see every day, the same ones at the same time, that’s what really intrigues me.

There’s a singer. She has a loud , powerful voice that carries itself half way across the park. She has earphones on and a notebook and that makes me think she might be practicing for something. Something big. She some times interrupts herself to say “good morning beautiful ! Bless you!” to me as I pass her by. I think of talking to her, I mean, she thinks I am beautiful. *blush* But I don’t want to intrude. I hope she knows from the way I smile at her that I think her singing is amazing. Perhaps she thinks I am a bit nuts. Oh well.

There is a  guy in a wheelchair and his friend who pushes him around the park. They drink. I am pretty sure they drink. They usually stop their chit chat whenever I pass them by and don’t restart until I am a few feet away. That usually makes me feel utterly self conscious. I wish they would say something. I find them a tad bit scary.

The tai chi guy in the morning who dances around a tree. He flows about in his baggy linen clothes. Usually , like I said, around a tree. It’s pretty fascinating. Why aren’t people this free back home?

There is an old lady with a shopping cart full of old soft toys. She is there at the park every day, and I don’t know what she is doing with the soft toys. I saw some cops give her food and water yesterday. Nice guys.

And my personal favorite. The well dressed lady who reads , sitting upright at a park bench. Her lips are painted dark red, she wears glistening drop earrings, she wears high heels. She keeps a hang bag close to her body. It always looks to me like she is ready to go somewhere . But she is just sitting there, very upright, and totally well dressed,  reading. Is she waiting for someone? A lover perhaps? Do they meet at the park for ten minutes and kiss before they have to go away to their lives?

Well I don’t know. These are some of the people I see every day and because I remember feeling terrified that I might never get used to this place, I love the moments when my brain goes, hey, I’ve seen that guy before ! And then the same brain that just rejoiced goes “Wait, hopefully they don’t see you. Because familiarity isn’t necessarily a good thing. You know what I mean?”

But yes, the place is growing on me. I am not saying I am comfortable but I am ok. The park is beautiful. The people are nice. When it feels like the apartment is closing in on me, I can go lie under a tree. For now. I am ok.