For All My Insomniacs

 

 

It’s a much hated thing. This insomnia. It’s the kind of thing that keeps you up at night. I am occasionally plagued by it, a lot of people I know also suffer from it. Everyone who does suffer from it, can sympathies with each other whole heartedly for only we know how troubling it is , to not be able to sleep when you want to sleep during the only time you can actually get some sleep.

So here are some tried and tested ways I’ve used to get over this, and some I’ve heard are pretty good for you if you suffer from insomnia and I must add,  some times none of these work.

I read somewhere that you should distract yourself from insomnia. If you go to bed and toss and turn without falling asleep it worries you. You spend more time worrying so you are not going to catch a break. Whatever I was reading at the time suggested that one must get up , walk out of the room, go to a different part of the house. Go to the kitchen. Ponder the contents in your fridge. Drink warm milk. Or water. Spend some time reading a chapter of a book. Make sure you are properly distracted and not thinking about not being able to sleep. ( Just having to say that ruins it all actually. oh well. ) When you come back, you should fall asleep almost immediately.

I tried that once or twice but I kept thinking about how little time I had left to sleep before I have to get up and go to work. So that didn’t work.

Work out. You are bound to fall asleep after a good work out. I’ve noticed that the (rare) times I’ve spent jogging or working out, or doing yoga, I’ve slept splendidly. But the closer I get to the wedding, I find that my head is full of thoughts , of plans, of everything that could go wrong, of little details, things I wrote down and didn’t , etc etc. And I am unable to sleep how ever much tired I am. The solution is to write down everything, every little thing before bed. It works. I write them down, write action points, dates and names and I don’t even stick to plans most of the time. I hate sticking to plans. But the writing down details bit helps me sleep. It clears my head. My brain, knowing that I just made some things work, settles down. and I sleep.

I recently read somewhere that we should write something everyday. The moment you wake up. Being totally averse to getting up in the morning, I have no time to engage in any writing before I head to work. So one day, on a whim , I put a little table next to my bed with a note book and a pen and before I went to sleep, I wrote something I considered to be nonsensical writing. The point is to write the first sentence that comes to your head. And the next. And the next. And go on from there. My head would be one big mess before bed, but I would come to bed, write some nonsense and it would be as if a part of my brain that made everything else shush sprung into action. When I was done, I closed my eyes and went to sleep and I managed to get some deep sleep after a long time. Here’s where it went wrong. After the 3rd day, my writing was no longer nonsensical. I kept wanting to complete a story , a story when I started out had no meaning. I kept adding things. When I put the book away, and went to sleep, I couldn’t sleep again because I kept thinking about the story.

So some days, instead of tossing and turning I just stay up and actually work. Read. Or watch a movie. Some nights I am too lazy do that even, and worrying about the little time I’ve got before morning doesn’t help. But it’s better than staying up staring at the darkness, listening to the night.

 

Someone Like You

I was excited. Probably too much too early. I imagined your smile. I imagined you holding my hand. I wanted to get to know you. Desperately. What would you be like? Soft spoken wild child I bet. Most probably cheeky too. I loved you from the very first moment I heard about you. It was inevitable. That kind of love is unstoppable.

But it was not to be. I’ve lost you now and we will never meet. That’s the truth.

But I have big hopes. For someone like you.

For someone like you, I will wait.

Why must we grow up

For those of you who had no idea, we are getting married. There you go, that’s about as public a post as it would get I guess.

He’s a good man, and I am a lucky girl. Hence the marriage. Did you know nice guys make excellent lovers? haaah. It’s true. When I was 18 all I wanted was a bad guy. Found the scum of the earth didn’t I? Oh well. All that’s behind me now. *touch wood*

Anyway, while weddings are happy occassions, ( Let’s talk about why we need to get married in another post maybe , I have a few theories on my own ) getting married and going away to build your own life is by no means any less scary than it sounds.

Yes it’s exciting. We are excited about making our own home, choosing furniture and color and arguing about functionality vs outer appeal ( Another post, another time ) and what we’d do in our free time, and about making our own traditions. I am personally really excited about the back yard and having tea in the garden.

But it’s a difficult choice. To grow up. The very fiber of my being fights against it. It’s that time in my life when I am seeing everyone growing up and my friends getting married one by one , leaving their families to build their own, some leaving the country altogether. I see their parents, ( and mine ) being left at home to tend to their own lives, the children visiting whenever they can. Parents are retiring. Younger siblings are graduating. Some of the married ones are getting pregnant in the mean time. It’s as if I can almost see ourselves getting old and our skin wrinkling. *shudder*.

Thinking about this process utterly saddens me.

I wanna stay young forever. I wanna be fabulous at all times. And more importantly, I don’t want any regrets. The kind of regret that will keep me up at night wondering why I never got any more time with my family than I did. My parents shouldn’t have to feel lonely when I am away. My siblings shouldn’t have to feel as if they have to struggle to get my attention. And my friend’s babies? Why mustn’t they get to know someone as fabulous as me?

I want it all. The guy, the marriage ( less so the wedding for me personally ) , and enough time for the people I love. Is that too much to ask for? Will I get stuck in my own world, working and trying desperately to make time for them and my self? I want to invest time in the relationship , the garden, the house. The walls need art. The floor needs a hand woven rug. the couch needs throw pillows. Everyone around you needs a bit of your love and your time.

Not going to get it all , sitting here at work, wasting away my hours in exchange of a pay cheque. Am I now.

Here’s to ‘it all’. May we have not more, not less, but enough love and time.