The underlying.

Sadness.

Before we head off to dinner , I thought I’ll quickly pen this down. Type it down I mean. What.

This year has been an exceptionally awful one to bear. Sadness prevailed in every nook and corner but  it also meant that I learned a lot of things, by which I mean,  I learned to let go. Learned to let people fight their own battles and support them but not try and live their lives for them. This is hard, when you love them and you think you can clearly see what is right for them, but in truth,  you don’t know the first thing about what is good for them. Maybe you do, a bit. But that doesn’t give you any right to interfere.

Also, the underlying sadness , you start to see it everywhere, and you see how it is consistent in it’s presence. Some people, it seems to me are born lucky, that they don’t feel it all that much. I , feel it in my bones.

But , it also means that I can see beauty in the smallest smallest things. I can see how people, throughout history created beauty, insisting on it, making art and music and love. And hot chocolate. And how they decided to go to the beach or plant a garden. I see how it helps, to put on makeup, or paint one’s nails, or to dress up taking good care to smile at yourself in the mirror. It helps to smile.

When good news comes, it comes by chance, ( and sometimes by hard work , yes ) and when it does, I no longer jump up and down and congratulate myself and make a big deal. I am now capable of smiling and acknowledging the happiness and embracing the days given to me with as much grace as I can muster.

“The most terrifying thing about the universe is not that it is hostile but it is indifferent. But if we can come to terms with this indifference, then our existence as a species can have genuine meaning. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.” – Stanley Kubrick

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