From the graveyards

Sometimes, all I want to do is to put people in little boxes. ( I know, it sounds ridiculous. You can’t go around putting people in boxes , Sachi ! ) But I’ve lived all these years, and it  has taken me all this time to figure out that people aren’t all bad.

Or all good.

Aren’t we made entirely of contradictions? ( Just me? Ok. ) The most confusing of all is how while being utterly good and kind we also have an abundant supply of meanness to reach into whenever we need it.

I’ve seen it people ! I’ve seen it in ME. And I have hated myself because all I’ve ever wanted is to be good and kind and nice.

Behavior truly does breed behavior and the times I wanted to reach into my meanness and pull out some snarkiness was only when I’d been jabbed and provoked and hurt and made to feel small and jealous. So I know what you are thinking. That sounds childish. And it is ! I’ve dealt with my share of sarcasm and hurtful comments in my life, sometimes from the very people I love,  and since of late, I’ve begun to see that just like when I wanted to hurt someone for being hurtful, this bitterness that made these people want to hurt me came from a place where they felt small . Or jealous. Or wanted to feel something that was important to them. Who knows. Can you SEE the vicious cycles that’s starting to get unhealthy?

And boy, do words cut deep!

The biggest struggle in all of this has been about forgiveness. For the longest time, it felt like I couldn’t forgive myself for having all these thoughts. When someone gave me a dig, I took it, and I poisoned it with my own thoughts, and I lay awake at night wondering why, why they said what they said and why they acted how they did. And I still have the hardest time with people who has a knack for back handed compliments, you know where at first you are like oh that’s nice and then bam ! Right in your guts. I felt ugly. How can you live with yourself , I asked myself.

I also continue to have a hard time with snotty uptight people. There are times when you absolutely can not get away and you have to put up with them and they make you feel..basically like crap.

In all of this, my real problems lie with me. While I am not comfortable with The Snots, The Uptights, The Difficults and The Snarks, I am more uncomfortable with myself when I want to react to the way they’ve made me feel. It’s taken me a while to learn my lessons that people are just being people so sift the good from the bad, don’t hang out with them if they make you feel like crap, and for crying out loud, stand up for your self.

but at least now I am here where I know for a fact, if I don’t forgive myself for my thoughts , I am never going to be able to forgive them. Not that they need your forgiveness. But it helps to feel that you are able to, if it came to it.

So here we are.

I’d like to tell you that I’m a better person now, and I know how to deal with difficult people and situations. But I don’t. Experience has proven to be such a difficult thing to master and some days I feel better. Better at composure, nonchalance, wisdom and that much needed frankly-my-dear-ness. There are other days when I want to punch a wall.

Any progress is good progress in my books and progress for me now is the ability to throw my hands in the air, say “Arggghhh” and go make tea .

That’s my rant for the day. Enjoy the show.

 

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