Graduations.

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I sat through two graduation ceremonies this weekend.
 
On Friday evening Charith Peiris got his degree and I couldn’t be more proud. Here is someone who has persevered against all odds, against confusion and heartbreak and turmoil and still overcame himself. Cheers! 
 
On Saturday morning, my four year old nephew Seth graduated out of preschool. I am such an emotional aunt! He was acting a bee at the concert and he had to tell a certain “Billy Bee” that Billy Bee couldn’t come in because he couldn’t buzz like the rest of them. Seth seemed genuinely upset by the lonely Billy Bee and only started dancing and singing with all his being only when the colony accepted they were wrong to shun Billy Bee. Seth doesn’t yet know what life is like, he doesn’t know how hard it can be. But he represents hope and happiness in its purest form and I look to him for courage.
 
I missed my mother more than ever, if that’s even possible but life seems to go on, which somewhat surprises me, even though it shouldn’t. I imagined her sweet sweet laugh seeing Seth dance and I wanted to break down and weep. She lives on, in my heart, the way I can still hear her laugh and see how her face dimples when she smiles. 
 
May we all march on, find the strength to keep doing the things we love, and always have at least one reason that makes us happy to be alive.

Of feeling alone.

I am trying to jot down a thing or two about aloneness.

The way it is intrinsic to life and how we like to pretend it isn’t so. I might be married, happily, I might read and write and work and play with dogs and children but I could also feel extraordinarily alone.

Friday nights at Long Bar helps me forget this fact for a bit. ( I am there about twice a year, therefore, my appreciation is much more intense) I am able to put my hair down and laugh a little. Buying a new dress has no less of an effect. Going some place far away does the same. Loving. Giving. Smiling. Does nothing to ease the awareness that I am completely alone. Surrounded by the work I must finish for my lovely mother, driving my father long distance, walking around our house, sitting on the rooftop with Shadow; watching kites and blue skies. All of this is just distraction, a soothing balm for ‘life’, a temporary solution for a permanent problem.

I’ve come to think that the way I feel about owning things and being in relationships has nothing to do with how alone I feel. It’s not the fault of my husband, nor my family or friends or the books and shoes I own, the poetry I read and the walks I go on or how fulfilling I find my life is that I should feel this emptiness. These things serve an important purpose in my life in that they remind me I need not suffer unduly and that life might even be bearable as long as we pick and choose the distractions that suits us the most but ultimately, here I am and I must deal.