Contradictions

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So we all agree that some of us are only made of contradictions.

And love and some tea.

Throw in a chocolate cake will ya please.

One of those contradictions I am contemplating on these days is my need to be alone versus my need for people.

I’ve been a lot more alone than usual this past year. We moved to a new country for a while and in my quest to be with ‘my person’, I also found time. A large amount of it.

Circumstances would have it that I was alone a lot , and that was fine for a while.

 

I also found out that my moods vary between needing people and being drained by them whenever I was with them.

While I’ve always been more towards being by myself, now I found that I didn’t want to be by myself too much, nor did I want to be around other people for more than a few hours.

I am of the breed of people who must pour every inch of themselves into their relationships so a few hours with people I like would mean , I am depleted of any energy for myself.

Owing to age and a hard earned capacity for self-preservation, I now pace my time between social interactions, I say no, I don’t go places I do not fancy.

I am also now good at timing, when making plans, I know when I need to be home , in my PJs, with tea and a book, in bed before I have to carry around a headache, feeling completely dull and gloomy.

It’s nice however to be married to someone who recognizes this about me and is usually sympathetic about making plans. Darling is of the breed of people who has zero need for recharging , who can go from one social gathering to another, spend days walking and seeing places without tiring himself out and can also fall asleep in a heartbeat.

But he would nudge me out of the house if I’ve been cooped up inside too long, but he would never drag me around if I was miserable.

I am also a bit spoilt that way.

But contradictions.

Do you suffer from any ?

 

 

A ‘people’ post , yet again

People Watching

Lost Time by Steven Paul .

I am a bit of a people watcher.

Aren’t we a fascinating bunch ? Walking down the road with our jeans falling off our butts, in our layers of make up and high heels , with our smokes and sandwiches, we spit and scratch and swear. We are amazing.

Anyhoo.

I like watching them. I am not like, creepy or anything you know. :/

It’s always ‘over here’ in contrast to ‘back home’ for me. I am endlessly captivated with the way people smile, the way they move and hold themselves, the way they say hello. Everything feels new.

Or, that would be my mind playing tricks on me.

People are fascinating. I like them. ( On the surface I mean, I would prefer not to get to know them, because that would mean complications. 😛 ) So I watch.

We rarely nod to strangers back home and say hello. I mean, I did, I used to talk to strangers whenever the occasion called for it, I do have a vibe that attracts the strangest sort of people to me , that makes them want to talk to me too. But if I mistakenly catch someone’s eye on the street here, people are bound to nod and at least throw a “how are you” or a “you alright” my way.

People are constantly telling me if it’s a beautiful day or a miserable one. They bless me , tell me I am pretty ( I’ll take my compliments where I can get them, I am not fussy, thank you very much. )

On a bright beautiful day last week, a man at the bus stop nodded at me and smiled before he asked if I didn’t think it was a glorious day. I said I sure did.

A boy stopped to shake my hand once and ask for my number and receiving the negative, narrowed his eyes, cocked his head to a side and clutched his heart to say “you are married !!” He walked away in peace.

A lady at the supermarket showed me how to pick the freshest Kale. ( She puts it in the smoothies for her son, makes a spinach and kale sauce with parmesan for pasta )

A girl I encountered yet again at the bus stop was breaking up with someone. “Oh my fuckin’ god , you breaking up with me!?!? ” She half laughed. “At least , have the guts to do it to my fuckin’ face baby.”  She said the word “baby” in the sing song way couples do, only making it seem also like a threat. Should have known you 10 years ago girl friend! I could have used that attitude.

At the MMA academy, I watched the tiniest girl, in her blue karate clothes, climb on to her father’s lap before her classes were to start. She tucked in her feet and her hands and her tiny little head under his chin. He talked to her in low soothing tones, patting her back, chuckling , both of them smiling, I don’t even know what they were saying to each other and from where I was seated, they were all I could see, so I took my constricted heart and my suddenly constricted throat, the sting behind my eyelids and hid behind a laptop and did not dare look up.

*cough* Excuse me.

 

Sensitive People

I am sensitive person. I take everything personally.

And my life’s mission is to not offend anyone, because you see, it’s a complex. I have to make everyone like me. Not unlike Monica, no. ( And for all the people who dislike me, perhaps I am not trying hard enough! Oh blah. )

But stranger are the people who are so bold and ballsy that they  say whatever they like and offend people when it’s not even due, and then get all teary and sensitive the moment they feel a jab. When a jab was not even intended. Sheesh.

That awkward moment when you can’t even say something completely innocent to a friend because last time you did, boy weren’t they pissed. And now you wonder why you are friends in the first place. Were they only being nice to you? Sheeeesh.

Are they such strangers that you can’t be yourself perhaps? Oh god were you making a fool of yourself by being yourself?? Were they only humoring you !?! Were they judging you behind closed doors? Face. Palm.

Oh right. This is me, taking everything personally. Ta !