Week 16

There was something I wanted to write about, I’ve forgotten what. The ambiguity of it all perhaps. Or perhaps, how disappointment and heartache affects each of us. Perhaps, it was about letting go and not caring much either way. I don’t know. I don’t remember. I DIY a lot. And keep myself busy. A lot of my time is spent hoping for ..whatever it is I think  I deserve. Peace of mind, perhaps. It’s funny, I read somewhere how if you really loved yourself you wouldn’t want the material things you think you want and you only want them because you are trying to make yourself feel better about something.. or the other. I don’t know. But it’s somewhat true isn’t it? In this moment in time, and for a long while, all I’ve really badly wanted has been peace of mind. With age , with family, with all that ties me down, there has been very little of it. For some reason, I think of giving up the search for it but it’s become too important, so there has to be some lesson somewhere in all this, or maybe really, the universe doesn’t give a damn, in which case, I probably have zero hope but maybe ..just maybe there’s a straw somewhere I could cling on to. A ray of sunshine perhaps. A fortune cookie that reads “you will be OK.”

How random is that?

106/365 16/04/2014 The art of putting things away.

106/365
16/04/2014
The art of putting things away.

107/365 17/04/2014 Since my mother in law gave me the pittu making set, I'am on a roll !

107/365
17/04/2014
Since my mother in law gave me the pittu making set, I’am on a roll !

108/365 18/04/2014 Catan night. Made pizza for the players.

108/365
18/04/2014
Catan night. Made pizza for the players.

109/365 19/04/2014 Pin wheel

109/365
19/04/2014
Pin wheel

110/365 20/04/2014 At the beautiful beach of Mirissa

110/365
20/04/2014
At the beautiful beach of Mirissa

111/365 21/04/2014 Making of the Sad Coasters. Await a whole new range of Sad Products brought to you by Morose & Co.

111/365
21/04/2014
Making of the Sad Coasters. Await a whole new range of Sad Products brought to you by Morose & Co.

112/365 22/04/2014 Sitting in the garden , enjoying the cool beginning of rain.

112/365
22/04/2014
Sitting in the garden , enjoying the cool beginning of rain.

 

Week 13, 14 & 15

Three weeks. That hasn’t happened before. Has it?

I’ve been out. Darling got sick. Then I caught it and it dragged on and on and on and here I am with barely the strength to type. We’ve been getting by , I make a little attempt at making meals and keeping a house and getting out of the house to  buy groceries but mostly I stay in bed and read Roald Dahl. What a genius. I can almost see the twinkle in his eyes as he wrote down his cleverness. I am always grinning to myself and going oh Mr Dahl you genius.

There’s a picture in here of my mother and a big dog walking with her. That’s really what I want to write about.

I used to take my mother for walks in the evenings for a bit of exercise. She’s very slow at it and is unsure of herself but we walk slowly and that particular day in March, we walked farther than we intended to. There was this by-road I wanted her to see. Darling had taken me through it once just to show me the neighborhood and it had lovely old houses and big gardens. I wanted my mother to see them. So there we were walking down this little road when this massive dog, freshly brushed, walked lazily over to us. It didn’t seem too interested in us really. But it was big. And I figured if it made any sudden moves, my mother was not going to be able to move away fast enough. So we had to go back. As we were turning around to leave, my mother clutching my hand very tight, the dog came right up to us, and looked at me. It had big wet eyes , a bit sad and it looked a bit old. Then it started sniffing my mother. We stood very still only moving inches towards the road so as not to startle the dog. And the dog backed away. So we started walking away. Just too slow. The dog let us go a few feet and started following us. It wasn’t interested in me however. It only wanted to make friends with my mother.

We walk to the main road, and the dog is behind us what 10 feet? Then it quickly catches up with us, walks past another 10 feet and stops. Sniffs the ground , the bushes, the leaves, the flowers on the floor. Then it comes back. When the neighborhood dogs started barking at it , it quickly retreated behind my mother’s skirt only peering around her legs when it was safe to do so. It would bump her legs with it’s snout, look at my mother for a bit of affection, then circle us once more.

It would not leave her. It walked slowly with her, never falling back or walking past more than ten feet. And it paid no attention to me whatsoever. I walked away from them to take some pics and it made me smile, to see the two of them walking together as if they belonged.

It walked us up to our lane, and stood there watching us till we got home. There were nasty children down our lane making a huge racket about god knows what and it didn’t seem to want to walk past them anyhow.

I haven’t seen the dog since. But I hope I will.

85/365 26/03/2014 "Take my photo!"

85/365
26/03/2014
“Take my photo!”

86/365 27/03/2014 Cinnamon Rolls beautifully risen before going in the oven. Magic !

86/365
27/03/2014
Cinnamon Rolls beautifully risen before going in the oven. Magic !

87/365 28/03/2014 Not-our-dog walking with my mother. <3

87/365
28/03/2014
Not-our-dog walking with my mother. <3

88/365 29/03/2014 In the beautiful city of Kandy. Feeling quite the tourist.

88/365
29/03/2014
In the beautiful city of Kandy. Feeling quite the tourist.

89/365 30/03/2014 At the Temple of the sacred tooth relic.

89/365
30/03/2014
At the Temple of the sacred tooth relic.

90/365 31/03/2014 A selfie is the only photo I have today , I took this to see the evening light on my face. Ha.

90/365
31/03/2014
A selfie is the only photo I have today , I took this to see the evening light on my face. Ha.

91/365 01/04/2014 Camping in the living room.

91/365
01/04/2014
Camping in the living room.

92/365 02/04/2014 My mother teaching me to sew. What a severe teacher she turned out to be. Hmph.

92/365
02/04/2014
My mother teaching me to sew. What a severe teacher she turned out to be. Hmph.

93/365 03/04/2014 Morning tea party

93/365
03/04/2014
Morning tea party

94/365 04/04/2014 Going home with malli in a tuk tuk. Malli's having a good chat with the tuk tuk driver.

94/365
04/04/2014
Going home with malli in a tuk tuk. Malli’s having a good chat with the tuk tuk driver.

95/365 05/04/2014 Sunset in Pepiliyana.

95/365
05/04/2014
Sunset in Pepiliyana.

96/365 06/04/2014 Getting ready for the win. Bunker Buster has been poured.

96/365
06/04/2014
Getting ready for the win. Bunker Buster has been poured.

97/365 07/04/2014 What a beautiful day to be alive and happy.

97/365
07/04/2014
What a beautiful day to be alive and happy.

98/365 08/04/2014 Running for Sri Lanka Baton today. Loving it.

98/365
08/04/2014
Running for Sri Lanka Baton today. Loving it.

99/365 09/04/2014 Husband has forgotten his back pack.

99/365
09/04/2014
Husband has forgotten his back pack.

100/366 10/04/2014 I swear I am not into selfies. Terribly sick and in bed. I wanted to see if I have dark circles. And I do. Only photo for the day.

100/366
10/04/2014
I swear I am not into selfies. Terribly sick and in bed. I wanted to see if I have dark circles. And I do. Only photo for the day.

101/365 11/04/2014 Still in bed. Feel like crap.

101/365
11/04/2014
Still in bed. Feel like crap.

102/365 12/04/2014 Took out a shirt to refashion but couldn't muster the strength. Back to bed.

102/365
12/04/2014
Took out a shirt to refashion but couldn’t muster the strength. Back to bed.

103/365 13/04/2014 Adding more to the collection. Thanking my mother for the lessons in sewing.

103/365
13/04/2014
Adding more to the collection. Thanking my mother for the lessons in sewing.

104/365 14/04/2014 Sinhala and Tamil new year. We are on our way from visiting my parents. Rain. Music and husband. Favorite combination.

104/365
14/04/2014
Sinhala and Tamil new year. We are on our way from visiting my parents. Rain. Music and husband. Favorite combination.

105/365 15/04/2014 Dinner with the Samarasinghes.

105/365
15/04/2014
Dinner with the Samarasinghes.

Week 11 & 12

People wish you didn’t have your own voice. You couldn’t think for your own self. You couldn’t do your own thing. You need everyone’s approval. So they wish.

I get immensely offended at such behaviour or indication, perhaps because I am overly hot headed, and that comes from my father just like that gene that says, don’t take any bullshit from anyone.

And it boils me blood somewhat to see people being told what to do and even more annoyed if they say what to think. No thank you. I will think for myself. I like knowing your opinion, it helps my thinking, but let’s draw the line somewhere shall we?

Therefore, I dedicate this post to, lines. The very important lines that we are able to draw around our thoughts and decisions that helps one stay on course and not get dragged into doing things because , the world requires one to do them.

May you have the strength to draw some lines. Amen.

71/365 12/03/365 Don't want to miss a thing my love.

71/365
12/03/365
Don’t want to miss a thing my love.

72/365 13/03/2014 Love and Happiness.

72/365
13/03/2014
Love and Happiness.

73/365 14/03/2014 Back to waiting rooms

73/365
14/03/2014
Towards the light, hopefully. 

74/365 15/03/365 Kalu being friendly for once

74/365
15/03/365
Kalu being friendly for once.

75/365 16/03/2014 Garden picks

75/365
16/03/2014
Garden picks

76/365 17/03/2014 My thoughts now revolve around food and what I can make that my mother can eat.

76/365
17/03/2014
My thoughts now revolve around food and what I can make that my mother can eat.

77/365 18/03/2014 Come into my routine.

77/365
18/03/2014
Come into my routine.

78/365 19/03/2014 My mother is trying to work a bit. I watch from afar and frown at her if  she happens to look at me.

78/365
19/03/2014
My mother is trying to work a bit. I watch from afar and frown at her if she happens to look at me.

79/365 20/03/2014 The glow of the evening..

79/365
20/03/2014
The glow of the evening..

80/365 21/03/2014 Going out of the house is a happy occasion.

80/365
21/03/2014
Going out of the house is a happy occasion.

81/365 22/03/2014 Let me never take you for granted. Happy birthday to my father.

81/365
22/03/2014
Let me never take you for granted. Happy birthday to my father.

82/365 23/03/2014 Beginner's luck is strong in this one.

82/365
23/03/2014
Beginner’s luck is strong in this one.

83/365 24/03/2014 My sister is slowly dragging me to her la la land and I kinda love it.

83/365
24/03/2014
My sister is slowly dragging me to her la la land and I kinda love it.

84/365 25/03/2014 The weaver's magic.

84/365
25/03/2014
The weaver’s magic.

 

 

Week 9 & 10

It’s mid morning. I had trouble sleeping for a few nights at a stretch. I fall asleep next to my mother now afraid she might throw up in the middle of the night.

Tears run down her cheeks while being violently sick, she keeps a hand to her chest. I hold her hair back. My husband runs back and forth fetching water and towels. All that she empties into a bucket is tainted red with the medicine she takes. It scared me at first but the doctors said it’s just the color of the meds.

Thankfully, out of three anti vomit tablets, one worked, so she’s able to sleep peacefully at night.

I am emotionally dependant on Darling. While that makes me a bit uncomfortable, he’s been my silver lining, and I realise how blessed I am to be with him. He’s been an amazing friend,  and an extraordinary human being. His kindness in this time of need has been the only thing that’s kept me going. There have been many, many kind people , kinder than I could have ever imagined before this episode of troubles , but his silent presence, his unpretentiousness amazes me every day.

So let this post be a dedication to him and everyone else who were kind to us during a difficult time.

57/365 26/02/2014 Oh how good it is to be home !

57/365
26/02/2014
Oh how good it is to be home !

58/365 27/02/2014 Pillow talk if you will.

58/365
27/02/2014
Pillow talk if you will.

59/365 28/02/2014 Exhaustion

59/365
28/02/2014
Exhaustion

60/365 01/03/2014 Now you are here. Now you are gone. He's been gone for three months and he's missed every day.  (Photo by husband ) 60/365
01/03/2014
Now you are here. Now you are gone. He’s been gone for three months and he’s missed every day. (Photo by husband )

61/365 02/03/365 Life juice.

61/365
02/03/365
Life juice.

62/365 03/03/2014 My pride and my joy.  ( Ehela- cassia fistula )

62/365
03/03/2014
My pride and my joy.
( Ehela- cassia fistula )

63/365 04/03/2014 Sis and Co. is here.

63/365
04/03/2014
Sis and Co. is here.

64/365 05/03/2014 Happiness is a blooming garden.

64/365
05/03/2014
Happiness is a blooming garden.

65/365 06/03/2014 Amma rests.

65/365
06/03/2014
Amma rests.

66/365 07/03/2014 She reads and very fast.

66/365
07/03/2014
She reads and very fast.

67/365 08/03/2014 A fun day riding around Colombo with my brother, doing chores and buying stuff.

67/365
08/03/2014
A fun day riding around Colombo with my brother, doing chores and buying stuff.

68/365 09/03/2014 DIY time !

68/365
09/03/2014
DIY time !

69/365 10/03/2014 A present from hubby. How apt. How timely. How beautiful.

69/365
10/03/2014
A present from hubby. How apt. How timely. How beautiful.

70/365 11/03/2014 The best stories !

70/365
11/03/2014
The best stories !

Week 8

 

 

No words this week.  Just pictures. Because I said I would. So here I am.

50/365 19/02/2014 Silver linings.

50/365
19/02/2014
Silver linings.
51/365 20/02/2014 Love notes delivered to the hospital room. Giggled like a little girl.

51/365
20/02/2014
Love notes delivered to the hospital room. Giggled like a little girl.

52/365 21/02/2014 In all the unlikely places.

52/365
21/02/2014
In all the unlikely places.

53/365 22/02/2014 Seth:Too cool for this shit.

53/365
22/02/2014
Seth:Too cool for this shit.

54/365 23/02/2014 Setbacks.

54/365
23/02/2014
Setbacks.

55/365 24/02/2014 Corrections.

55/365
24/02/2014
Corrections.

56/365 25/02/2014 I am humbled by all this faith.

56/365
25/02/2014
I am humbled by all this faith.

Week 7

A baby’s wail echoes across the hospital . I wonder why it is that I can hear the same cry around the same time every day. It’s haunting  but I am not scared. They are just babies and this is just a hospital where the sick come to be healed. There’s so much space here, every cry is amplified a thousand times wafting in at their own will if you keep the windows open.

There’s a baby next door who’s undergone multiple surgeries. The dressings of her wounds are clinging to her head and her belly. Her father, a small gaunt man, not older than me I’d think,  carries her around , walking about, to entertain her. We sometimes sit in the lobby area looking out at Colombo, with it’s smoky atmosphere and the cluttered landscape. So-many-buildings! The baby looks at me, and my phone, undoubtedly liking the striking yellow color of it. I extend it to her, and she stares at me. She has wide clear eyes, her shaved head is bit too large for her tiny body. She has such a lovely smile. She scrutinizes my face and I wonder if she thinks I am ugly. A female doctor walks over to the baby and smiles but at the very sight of the doctor, the baby’s smile dies on her lips. She looks at her father who’s clearly distressed but he’s talking in subdued tones with the doctor. The baby wouldn’t let the good doctor touch her , no not one bit. 

“Another time”. The doctor smiles. “When she’s more distracted” . 

I walk back into the room where my mother’s sleeping, hoping to upload my 365. 

43/365 12/02/2014 The view from our hospital room.

43/365
12/02/2014
The view from our hospital room.

44/365 13/02/2014 Amma is prepped for surgery

44/365
13/02/2014
Amma is prepped for surgery

45/365 14/02/2014 Post surgery.  We've had some good news and had to come home. I made some plain tea and left the others to their game to nap.

45/365
14/02/2014
Post surgery.
We’ve had some good news and had to come home. I made some plain tea and left the others to their game to nap.

46/365 15/02/2014 The useless sign.

46/365
15/02/2014
The useless sign.

47/365 16/02/2014 Third world problems.

47/365
16/02/2014
Third world problems.

48/365 17/02/2014 Like old friends. Amma's getting her dose of physiotherapy.

48/365
17/02/2014
Like old friends.
Amma’s getting her dose of physiotherapy.

49/365 18/02/2014 Her scars are my scars.

49/365
18/02/2014
Her scars are my scars.

 

 

 

 

Week 5 & Week 6

Blogging from a hospital room. 

My mother is peacefully asleep and it’s a bit too early for me , so I am up in the dark, with only the light from the laptop screen for company, blogging. 

Grief is a personal thing. 

It’s best not bestowed on other people, but people have been kind to me, enormously kind to me, to our family, during the past two weeks. 

My mother has been through hell and back, given her children wings to fly, lived alone, worked all her life, and never for once, thought herself weak or fragile. For all that she has been and been through, when she got sick , I kept thinking, no not her , please not her, knowing all too well, the indifference it makes.

But, the people were amazing. And the universe, it chose to be kind this time. 

She’s ok. Or, better worded , it’s not as bad as we thought it would be. And I am thankful. 

Where’s that girl who took offense at some slight someone did, some comparison some one made and felt small and insignificant? That girl , who was petty and jealous? Perspective , child. grief gives you perspective. Her voice is getting smaller and smaller in my head.

I can now pick out the black from the white, and prioritize.

I only want to spend time with my mother, who let me go when it was needed, who loves me unconditionally, who , even in her present state wonders if I had a proper meal or if I am not too cold.

I don’t know what the future holds for any of us, and Gods be kind, I am petrified, but for now, I am with her and everyone we love is with us and she’s ok. Everyone is OK.

That’s all.

29/365 29/01/2014 Feverish.

29/365
29/01/2014
Feverish.

30/365 30/01/2014 Fled home to be with my mother.

30/365
30/01/2014
Fled home to be with my mother.

31/365 31/01/2014 Shhhhh. Amma is sleeping.

31/365
31/01/2014
Shhhhh. Amma is sleeping.

 

32/365 01/02/2014 Mama. The Original Hipster.

32/365
01/02/2014
Mama. The Original Hipster.

33/365 02/02/2014 The village folk took charge and flocked to the temple to wish my mother a speedy recovery.

33/365
02/02/2014
The village folk took charge and flocked to the temple to wish my mother a speedy recovery.

34/365 03/02/2014 Please be still.

34/365
03/02/2014
Please be still.

35/365 04/02/2014 Seth. My happiness.

35/365
04/02/2014
Seth. My happiness.

36/365 05/02/2014 The view from the temple in the evening.

36/365
05/02/2014
The view from the temple in the evening.

37/365 06/02/2014 Play time  bath time.

37/365
06/02/2014
Play time bath time.

38/365 07/02/2014 A beautiful morning in the village.

38/365
07/02/2014
A beautiful morning in the village.

39/365 08/02/2014 Back in Colombo, for a bit.

39/365
08/02/2014
Back in Colombo, for a bit.

40/365 09/02/2014 My mother naps in the car  after seeing the doctor. She's in pain.

40/365
09/02/2014
My mother naps in the car after seeing the doctor. She’s in pain.

41/365 10/02/2014 At work, to sort out my businesses before I take off again.

41/365
10/02/2014
At work, to sort out my businesses before I take off again.

42/365 11/02/2014 Watched the shadows aimlessly for a while.

42/365
11/02/2014
Watched the shadows aimlessly for a while.